Mitch Hedberg

I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Mitch Hedberg

Read Quote

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

Read Quote

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Mitch Hedberg

Read Quote

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Mitch Hedberg

Read Quote

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

Mitch Hedberg

Read Quote

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Mitch Hedberg

Read Quote

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

Mitch Hedberg

Read Quote

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Mitch Hedberg

Read Quote

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Mitch Hedberg

Read Quote

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

Read Quote