I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. Erma Bombeck Read Quote
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. Erma Bombeck Read Quote
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M. Erma Bombeck Read Quote
In two decades I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. Erma Bombeck Read Quote
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. Erma Bombeck Read Quote
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. Erma Bombeck Read Quote
What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? Erma Bombeck Read Quote
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad. Erma Bombeck Read Quote
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. Erma Bombeck Read Quote
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide. Erma Bombeck Read Quote
