I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it. Demetri Martin Read Quote
A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’ Demetri Martin Read Quote
I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar. Demetri Martin Read Quote
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like, ‘huh? What the hell is this?’ But if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘this is nice!’ Demetri Martin Read Quote
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. ‘Hey, man, what are you playing?’ ‘Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I’m performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!’ Demetri Martin Read Quote
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. Demetri Martin Read Quote
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. Demetri Martin Read Quote
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. Demetri Martin Read Quote
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. Demetri Martin Read Quote
